Up Close with Upward: Unhappy in Birmingham

Dear Upward,

I read all the time about sexless marriages, and I am wondering--how can I get one of those?

I'm a 40-year-old woman, married, two kids, working full-time. My husband and I were deeply in love, but life is now an endless cycle of stress and busyness. He works hard at his job, but at home, I feel like I’m doing everything. I repeatedly ask for help with household tasks, only for him to complain or do a mediocre job.

As I’m finally winding down for the night, he often tries to initiate sex. I’ve asked him to stop doing this, but he still does, and I usually end up having sex with him to keep the peace. But I'm truly not into it with him anymore. Most nights, I want to get sex over with so I can have some time to myself before I fall asleep.

I don’t want to leave my husband and disrupt our children’s lives, but I’m unhappy. My husband is unlikely to change, at least not without a lot of complaining and conflict. What should I do?

Sincerely, 

Unhappy in Birmingham

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Dear Unhappy in Birmingham,

Thank you for your honest and vulnerable letter. It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, and longing for space and understanding in your marriage. These feelings are not uncommon, especially for partners balancing work, childcare, and household tasks.  However, when your sex life has become just another item on your to-do list, how about 'don't'?  Physical intimacy is an essential part of a committed relationship, and sexual fulfillment is important for both partners. We're turning your sexual dilemma over to our couple’s therapist, Dr. Megan Keyes, to weigh in on your situation.

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“A secure emotional bond between two partners is crucial as it provides the safe base from which each person can effectively navigate life’s challenges, individually and as a couple. Physical intimacy is closely tied to emotional connection. Changes in your sexual relationship — such as decreased desire, less sexual satisfaction, and reduced or obligatory engagement in sexual behavior — are often a reflection of emotional distance between two partners. This physical disconnection typically stems from unexpressed or unmet emotional needs.

Negative interactions between you and your husband, such as frequent exchanges that involve conflict, criticism, or withdrawal, can erode the sense of trust and safety you have in each other, making it difficult for each of you to openly express your feelings and wishes. Improved communication and emotional accessibility, namely each person being able to verbalize their underlying emotions, fears, and needs without concern of judgment, often results in enhanced emotional connection. When each partner feels securely attached to the other, they are more likely to find a collaborative path to enhancing physical intimacy. Building empathy and support within the relationship often leads to a natural increase in desire, engagement, and sexual satisfaction. This is because each person feels valued, understood, and emotionally safe with their partner.

Here are some steps for you and your husband to consider:

1. Identify and Express Emotional Needs:

Research in the field of couples therapy highlights the importance of addressing emotional needs and recognizing the emotional labor you are shouldering. Communicating your feelings openly and clearly to your husband is crucial. Explain how his indifference towards household responsibilities and your need for quality downtime affects your desire for intimacy and overall well-being. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, reducing defensiveness and fostering mutual understanding (e.g., "I feel resentful when I have to handle most household tasks alone and end up not wanting to have sex with you”).  Clearly express your needs, both emotional and practical (e.g., "I need more help around the house so that I can feel less stressed, have some time to myself, and be more connected to you”). Encourage your husband to express his own feelings, perspectives, and needs.  Both partners should practice active listening and empathy, trying to understand each other's experiences and emotions.

2. Enhance Communication Patterns:

Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts and increasing marital satisfaction. Unequal distribution of household tasks is a common source of tension in marriages. Research suggests that couples who share household responsibilities more equally report higher relationship satisfaction. Sit down with your husband and create a master list of all household and family tasks, including the mental load, like planning social events or scheduling doctor's appointments. Seeing the scope of the work in one place can be a powerful tool for opening his eyes to the imbalance. Once the list is made, determine a fair division of labor. This doesn't have to be a perfect 50/50 split, but it needs to be an arrangement you both feel is equitable. Utilize a "fair play" approach, where each partner takes on tasks that match their interests or strengths. If his "mediocre job" on a task bothers you, be willing to “lower the bar.” Let him know what level of completion is acceptable and if he still doesn't do it to your standard, you may need to accept that it is his responsibility now, not yours.

3. Prioritize Self-Care and Personal Boundaries

Self-care is essential in maintaining your mental and emotional health. Schedule regular "me-time" activities that allow you to unwind and rejuvenate, but that also bring you joy. Consider making some of your “me-time” other than the very end of the day.  Research on boundaries emphasizes that setting clear expectations is crucial for healthy relationships. Setting firm boundaries around your personal time and communicating these needs to your husband can help reduce feelings of burnout and resentment.

4. Reconstructing Sexual Intimacy

Given your current feelings towards intimacy, it's understandable that sex can feel like another chore. However, you deserve to have a satisfying sex life, even though it may take some time and effort to get it back on track. It's important to address this issue constructively. Consider exploring non-sexual ways to rebuild intimacy with your husband, such as spending quality time together, engaging in shared hobbies, or going on date nights. Focusing on emotional closeness can gradually create a more favorable atmosphere for physical intimacy. Sometimes, external guidance can make a significant difference.  Couples therapy can provide a safe, structured environment to address these underlying issues and improve communication.

Your feelings of unhappiness and exhaustion are valid. It’s important to remember that you deserve to feel fulfilled and supported in your relationship. While your husband’s desire to change may present a challenge, approaching these conversations with empathy and a focus on mutual well-being can facilitate progress. Balancing personal needs with relationship dynamics is a delicate process. Remember, change takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself and your husband as you work through these challenges. Taking steps towards improving your well-being is a crucial part of living your life to the fullest and not just checking items off a to-do list.”

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We hope Dr. Keyes’ response and suggestions not only validated what you are experiencing but also provided some practical steps you may take to enhance your well-being as well as your relationship with your husband.

We are wishing you a more balanced domestic division of labor, quality time to yourself, and a satisfying sex life that goes far beyond your daily list of chores! And we are always here if you need us.

Best of luck, Unhappy in Birmingham!