I recently had the pleasure of facilitating a two-day workshop on grief through Brown School’s Professional Development program at Washington University in St. Louis. The workshop, Navigating the Grief Process: Bridging Loss and Growth through Prolonged Grief Treatment, brought together clinicians who wanted to better understand the experience of loss and how to effectively support people navigating the grief process.

As I prepared for the course, I found myself thinking about how unusual it is that something so universal can still be so difficult to talk about. Grief is something that every one of us has experienced and will continue to experience in some form at some point in our lives. Yet many people struggle with acknowledging their own grief as well as others’, in part due to common misconceptions about what grief entails and how it is experienced.

I hope we can make more room for grief in our national mental health conversation. That means talking openly about the losses we tend to overlook, questioning the myths that make people feel they are grieving “wrong,” and understanding what it really means to adapt following a loss.

Why Grief Can Be So Hard to Understand

In the simplest terms, grief is the natural response to the loss of someone or something meaningful to us. Although the definition of grief is straightforward, the experience of grief is typically not.

Grief is complicated because it can pull us in opposite directions. You may want the pain to end because it is hard and distressing while also wanting to hold onto it because it helps you feel close to the person you lost. You may understand intellectually that someone has died yet still struggle to comprehend that they are truly gone. Both experiences can be true at once.

Grief is messy because it does not follow a defined timeline. It would be reasonable to expect the pain to steadily decrease as time passes. But grief tends to fluctuate. A familiar song, a birthday, or an ordinary Tuesday can bring back feelings you have not experienced so intensely in months. This is not a sign that you have gone backward. A resurgence of grief is a normal part of how grief works.

And grief can be awkward because other people often do not know what to say. Friends may avoid mentioning the person who died because they fear causing more pain. Meanwhile, the person grieving may want connection but feel strangely separate from everyone around them. We know that social support helps people adapt to loss, which makes that silence and disconnect especially hard.

There Is No Correct Way to Grieve

Few ideas have shaped our expectations more than the “stages of grief.” Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's original work described experiences of people facing their own deaths. Over time, the stages became a familiar explanation for bereavement, even though research tells us that grief does not progress in a predictable sequence.

Grief is multi-faceted and can impact every domain of functioning: emotional, physical, cognitive, interpersonal, and spiritual. Grief reactions oscillate in frequency and intensity over time and may include many conflicting experiences. The presence of a positive emotion does not mean you loved someone less. Nor does a difficult anniversary mean you have failed to heal.

The expectation of a tidy, linear grief process can contribute to people judging themselves when they most need compassion. Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is replace the question “Am I grieving wrong?” with “What am I experiencing and what do I need right now?”

The Losses We Do Not Always Name

We most readily recognize grief after a death. But the loss of a job, relationship, home, role, or physical ability can also change the shape of a person's life. And one loss often brings others. Losing a partner may also mean losing companionship, shared routines, financial stability, or the future you expected to have together. These secondary losses may not become apparent until later.

Some losses unfold slowly, with no single moment that tells us when to begin grieving. Watching a loved one's abilities diminish because of illness, for example, can mean grieving changes in the relationship while still caring for that person. Other losses may go unacknowledged by the people around us as well as society at large. Pregnancy loss, divorce, the death of a pet, or a relocation may be viewed as less deserving of grief. An individual with cognitive decline, intellectual impairment, or who is neuroatypical may be viewed as less capable of grieving. An individual may even begin to believe they do not have the right to grieve following a loss due to this lack of acknowledgement.

Research indicates our degree of attachment to something impacts our grief reaction. And, we are not just attached to people. We can have a sense of attachment to places, activities, possibilities, and daily or annual rituals - and the loss of any of these can have a significant impact on us. When something meaningful changes or disappears, grief may follow. Naming the loss helps us understand why we are hurting and makes it easier to ask for support.

What Does It Mean to "Move Forward"?

Grief serves an important purpose following a loss, namely a period of transition during which we learn to adapt. I often describe grief as a bridge between our lives prior to the loss to our lives after the loss. I find this analogy of grief as a bridge a useful way to think about this process. We do not typically cross a bridge just to get to other side and stop. We usually cross a bridge to keep going. The grief process is what helps us move forward after a loss so that we can continue to progress.

Early grief may dominate daily life. Longing, sorrow, and difficulty focusing on anything else can make even familiar tasks feel strange. Over time, many people begin adjusting to a changed reality. They find ways to manage new responsibilities, reconnect with others, and gradually consider what their future might hold. The loss remains important, but it no longer occupies every part of the day.

Moving forward does not mean forgetting. Memories can provide a living connection with the person who died. Sharing a story, returning to a meaningful place, or creating a new ritual may help that connection become part of ongoing life. The pace is personal; there is no deadline for feeling ready.

It also helps to allow some respite from painful emotions. Laughing with a friend or enjoying a meal does not betray the person you lost. We naturally move between moments of grief and moments of relief, and both can be part of adapting.

For some people, grief remains intensely painful and makes it difficult to engage in life even with time and support. Persistent avoidance, isolation, or “if only” thoughts can sometimes keep a person feeling stuck. These reactions are understandable and common at times. When they become the primary way of coping for an extended period, it may help to speak with a mental health professional. Prolonged Grief Disorder can be assessed and treated with an evidence-based therapy.

The clinicians who joined me this month reminded me why this conversation matters. The more openly we can speak about grief, the easier it becomes to recognize it in its many forms and respond with understanding. We cannot spare one another from the experience of loss, but we can make sure no one has to wonder whether their grief counts.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grief

How long is grief supposed to last?

There is no universal timeline. Grief often becomes less intense over time, but reminders can bring strong feelings months or years later. What matters more than a date on the calendar is how you are adapting and whether grief is interfering with daily life.

Can I grieve someone who is still alive?

Yes. People may grieve for changes in a loved one's health or abilities, or the loss of the relationship as they knew it, while that person is still living. Anticipating a future loss can bring grief as well.

Is it normal to feel happy or relieved while grieving?

Yes. Moments of enjoyment or relief do not erase your loss. Taking breaks from intense feelings helps many people manage their emotions and gradually adapt.

When should I seek professional support?

Consider reaching out if grief remains overwhelmingly intense, you are having trouble functioning, or avoidance and isolation have become your main ways of coping. A clinician can help you understand what you are experiencing and whether specialized treatment would be useful.

How Upward Can Help

At Upward Behavioral Health, our clinicians provide compassionate, evidence-based care for people navigating grief, including those struggling with Prolonged Grief Disorder. We also help with concerns that may accompany loss, including depression, anxiety, and trauma-related distress. If you find it difficult to move forward after a loss, we will welcome the opportunity to talk with you about how we can help.

To schedule a free 15-minute consultation, call (205) 983-4063 or click here.