Up Close with Upward: Big Sister in Birmingham

Dear Upward,

My brother is a 13-year-old boy. He has caused a lot of problems with school and at home since he was a toddler. They just keep getting progressively worse. He's constantly being influenced from friends doing stuff he shouldn't be doing, but he doesn't care, so he does it. He doesn't care about his family, school, anything. He only cares to be with his friends and do bad stuff. The middle school won't help, all they do is get him suspended and not help. 

My brother is always cheating on assignments and today he took pieces of candies from his teacher's desk and shared them with his friends. So my mom got called from his teacher. He just got expelled from his middle school soccer team and that's all my brother wanted. Now he doesn't care about life and it's just going to get worse because everything he wanted it ruined. 

My mom needs help. But how can I help and what can I do/call. Therapy won't help, no one wants to deal with this thoughtless boy. He just acts and doesn't care about the ending. 

--Big Sister

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Dear Big Sister,

Your brother and mother are fortunate to have a family member who is so concerned with their well-being. Your situation sounds terribly stressful. We shared your question with Dr. Kathleen Ramsey, our board-certified clinical child psychologist. Her response is below:

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"Big Sister, I'm so sorry to hear that your brother is having such a hard time! You sound like a great sibling who is doing their best to look after their brother. Regarding school, I'm wondering whether he has a 504 Plan or Individualized Educational Program (IEP)? If not, parents can request an IEP evaluation at no cost through the school district (see here for instructions on how to do this and a template for making this request). This would ensure that if there is some emotional, behavioral, or learning difference that is significantly impacting his access to education, he is appropriately supported at school. As part of this, they should conduct a functional behavioral assessment (FBA) to figure out what is driving challenging behaviors and help identify solutions. If these behaviors persist once supports are in place, a manifestation determination can be requested to determine whether the behavior(s) that led to the disciplinary infraction (e.g., suspension, expulsion) is linked to their condition or disability.  In the meantime, I would also recommend looking into your state's Parent Training and Information Center (PTI), as they may be able to point you in the right direction for educational advocacy support. It may also be helpful to look into wraparound services, which is not only a single type of therapy, but a way of planning care and supporting the whole family through a team-based approach. If you live in Alabama, parents can call the Psychiatric Intake Response Center (PIRC), which is a free, confidential phone response center designed to help people find the appropriate level of mental health care. Many primary care offices employ social workers who can help identify services and support, so his pediatrician may also be a good place to start. 

Dr. Ramsey 

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We hope Dr. Ramsey’s suggestions provide you with some actionable steps you and your mother can take. Please reach out to us if we can be of further assistance, or if your mother would like to discuss having your brother receive an evaluation or therapy from Dr. Ramsey.

Thank you for writing in, Big Sister. We are wishing you and your family our very best.