Navigating Grief During the Holidays: Reflections from My Mental Mixology Episode
I joined host Elex Simon on Mental Mixology for our episode, Navigating Grief, just before Thanksgiving. The episode was never meant to suggest that grief is a “holiday problem.” Grief shows up year-round. But anyone who has lived through significant loss, or walks alongside people who have, knows that this season has a way of amplifying grief.
Even when we expect it, even when we have learned to cope, there is something about the holidays - the rituals, expectations, memories, and cultural pressure to feel “festive” - that can make loss feel louder and heavier than usual.
What struck me right away was Elex’s intentionality in framing the conversation. It was clear this was not about fixing grief or rushing people through it. It was about making space for it, exactly what grief so often needs and so rarely gets. Instead of trying to manage grief away, we focused on naming what grief is, how it tends to show up, and how people can support themselves and one another navigating it.
What Grief Really Is (and is not)
One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it is only results from death. Death-related loss can be profound, but grief itself is much broader than that. Grief is simply our natural response to the loss of someone or something that mattered to us.
That can include the loss of a loved one, but it can also include the loss of a relationship, a job, a pet, a role, a sense of identity, daily routines, or a future we expected to have. Grief is a universal process, but it is also deeply individual. Culture, relationships, prior experiences, and the nature of the loss itself all shape how grief unfolds.
How Grief Shows Up
Grief is not just emotional. It often affects people physically and cognitively as well.
Physically, grief can look a lot like other major stress responses: fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, nausea, changes in appetite or sleep, and a general sense of depletion or weakness. Cognitively, people may notice difficulty concentrating, trouble making decisions, inefficiency at work, or frequent thoughts about the loss.
Grief can also shake our most basic beliefs about ourselves, others, and how the world operates. After a significant loss, many people feel disoriented or destabilized, questioning their sense of competence, purpose, or direction. This is not a sign of pathology or weakness. It is their brain and body trying to make sense of a world that no longer looks or feels the way it used to.
Letting Go of the “Stages” Myth
Many people are familiar with the “five stages of grief” based on Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ groundbreaking work in the 1960’s on the process of dying. A common misconception that comes from that framework is that grief is linear and we sequentially progress from one discrete stage of grief to the next following a loss.
Bereavement science tells us that grief does not follow a timeline or prescribed stages. Grief reactions tend to oscillate over time. These reactions may intensify and then ease, resurface unexpectedly, or predictably show up on anniversaries of the loss, when exposed to specific reminders, or during the holidays.
Grief occurs in three broad, non-linear phases:
- Acute grief when emotions are most intense and destabilizing.
- Adapting to the loss, which makes up the bulk of the grief process.
- Integrated grief when the loss becomes part of one’s life story without dominating it.
People can move back and forth between these phases over time. This movement is normal, expected, and an essential part of learning to live with the loss and its impact on our lives.
Grief Has a Purpose
One of the most meaningful ways to think about grief is that it serves a purpose. It is not something to “get over” or eliminate. Grief is the process by which we adapt to loss.
I personally love the analogy of grief as a bridge. The grief process is what allows us to transition from our life before the loss to our life after the loss. We do not cross a bridge just to stop at the other side; we cross a bridge so we can keep moving forward. Acute grief is stepping onto the bridge. Adapting to the loss is the long walk across it. Integrated grief is stepping off the other side, carrying the loss with us but continuing forward with meaning and purpose. The process of crossing the bridge will involve moving back and forth, the proverbial “two steps forward and one step back.” This oscillation is our learning to live with the loss in our lives. It is a process that we each progress at our own pace.
Sometimes people get stuck on that bridge. When that happens, it is not because they did something wrong or are incapable of handling loss. It is because something disrupted their natural recovery process and they were unable to fully adapt to the loss. When a person becomes stuck in their grief process, various issues may occur such as depression, PTSD, or prolonged grief disorder. Evidence-based therapy helps people get moving again.
Supporting Yourself Through Grief (Especially During the Holidays)
If you are navigating grief during the holidays, here are five research-informed suggestions to consider:
Allow the feelings instead of shutting them down. Avoidance is understandable, but consistently pushing emotions away can slow healing and recovery. Allowing yourself to experience the emotions associated with grief (sadness, anger, guilt, blame) is part of the process of adaptation to loss.
Release guilt around moments of joy. Many people feel guilty when they laugh, enjoy something, or feel brief happiness after a loss. Those moments are not betrayals. They are signs of recovery. We are not built to sustain only negative emotions. Those brief moments of positive emotion are part of learning to adapt and live with a loss.
Find ways to honor the loss. Talking about the person or loss, sharing stories, reminiscing, or putting words on what happened helps integrate grief into our lives. Take your time and find way to embrace the memories and stories rather than trying to keep them at a distance. Honoring a loss by remembering is not clinging - it is acknowledging that who or what you lost was meaningful to you.
Accept that grief has no clean timeline. There is no “right” pace. Holidays can stir up feelings associated with recent and long past losses, and reactions may be stronger during this season. That does not mean you are going backward. It means you have lost someone or something that was important to you and that loss still matters to you.
Allow support. Grief can be isolating, but connection matters. You do not have to talk about the loss constantly, but you do not have to carry it alone, either. Let others be there with you and for you. We all experience loss and grief. You may be on receiving end of support right now but will also be likely to provide that support for others in the future.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
Supporting someone through grief can feel awkward. Many people avoid mentioning the loss because they are afraid of making things worse. But one of the most consistent findings in grief research is this: grief requires witnessing.
Acknowledging the loss matters. Recognizing someone’s grief matters. Saying the deceased person’s name matters. Presence matters.
Instead of open-ended offers that require the grieving person to do more work (“Let me know if you need anything...”), concrete support often helps more: dropping off a meal, helping with errands, offering childcare, or simply sitting with them - whether you talk about the loss or not. Presence allows connection. Connection with who and what remains is key to recovery and adaptation to loss.
A Final Thought
Most people naturally adapt to loss over time. When they do not, it is not a personal failure, it is a signal that something got in the way, and professional assistance can make a real difference. Please consider reaching out to a psychologist who specializes in evidence-based therapy for significant or prolonged grief if you or someone you love is struggling to adapt to a loss.
Grief is not something to avoid, rush, fix, or manage away. It is a natural process that helps us transition from what was with what now is. Grief will remain with us until we have crossed the bridge, adapted to the loss, and safely arrived on the other side. For those currently on this journey, gentleness with yourself and with others, especially during the holidays, is essential.
If you are struggling following a loss and are interested in effective grief therapy, please contact us to schedule a free 15-minute consultation at 205-983-4063 or via our website: https://upwardbehavioralhealth.com/
If this resonates, you can listen to the full Mental Mixology episode, Navigating Grief (Episode 69), for a deeper conversation about loss, adaptation, and hope.
Apple podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-69-navigating-grief-megan-keyes/id1731440171?i=1000737699214
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