Celebrate Love & Connection with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)

Valentine’s Day is our designated holiday to celebrate love in all forms but most typically the romantic love between two people. However, behind every social media post of roses, chocolates, and candles with “#couplegoals” in the caption, there is a real couple in a real relationship that encounter real challenges at times. Individuals are complex and pairing them together enhances this complexity. A satisfying relationship typically requires ongoing commitment, investment, and effort from each partner to maintain its longevity. In a word, relationships are work. But, for most individuals who desire an intimate relationship with another, the love and connection their union provides is worth the effort.

The Science Behind Love and Emotional Connection

While the heart is depicted as a symbol of love, this organ does not play as vital of a role as the brain, although we can agree the heart is better for marketing purposes. The science of love (yes, that is the name of this field of study) tells us that falling and being in love changes how our brain functions. Increased dopamine production, associated with pleasure and reward, makes the experience of love highly enjoyable, exciting, and fun. Close physical contact as well as sex with our partner results in the release of oxytocin, also referred to as the “love” or “cuddle” hormone, which promotes bonding and a sense of security.

Research indicates that love and emotional connection benefit our health. Partners in loving relationships experience reduced stress, lower blood pressure, better cardiac health, and a longer lifespan. A strong emotional connection with a partner can lead to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and psychological distress. Individuals in a satisfying romantic relationship often report higher levels of happiness, self-esteem, contentment, and life satisfaction.

Given the significant benefits of being in love and connected with your partner, what happens that a couple may consider therapy?

Should We Consider Couple Therapy?

All relationships have their difficulties or hit a rough patch on occasion. However, when negative interactions far outweigh positive ones and recurring conflicts are unable to be resolved, couple therapy may be warranted.

The dialogue below illustrates a common conflict between two partners.

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Scene: Elizabeth in Birmingham enters her living room with a laundry basket while her partner, Carl, lies on the couch scanning social media on his phone.

Elizabeth: “I’m trying to get the laundry done before we go out for dinner tonight. Can you fold these while I change the sheets on the beds?”

Carl: “I’ve just sat down to relax.”

Elizabeth: “You’re sitting there doing nothing while I’m still trying to finish all of this. Why can’t you help?”

Carl: “I just took out the trash and recyclables. It’s the weekend and I’d like a break.”

Elizabeth: “It’s my weekend, too. But I’m still working because there are still things that need to be done. Why won’t you help? Why do I have to do everything myself?!”

Carl: “You do not do everything yourself. I help plenty. But I worked hard all week and just want a break.”

Elizabeth: “I work hard as well! You just don’t appreciate what I do. Why can’t you just help me? You never hear me!”

Carl: “I hear you but you’re always on me about something I’m doing wrong. There’s no pleasing you.”

Elizabeth: “Oh, so now I’m the problem! If you just listened or cared about what I was saying, I…”

Carl: “How can you say I don’t care? There’s no point talking to you. I always end up the asshole who’s doing everything wrong.”

Elizabeth: “Why do I even bother to ask for help? I’ll fold the laundry myself, just like I do everything else around here by myself! Don’t let me interrupt your relaxing Saturday.”

Carl: “I’m done.”

Carl exits the room.

***

Does this sound familiar? Small disagreements about everyday issues escalate into painful conflicts about larger issues that leave both partners feeling angry, hurt, and disconnected. Moreover, these repetitive conflicts often result in the couple feeling stuck in a negative cycle they are unable to break or exit.

How do we make that jump from talking about household chores to hurling accusations at each other to one partner withdrawing and walking away?

The answer to that question lies in couple therapy.

Why You Should Consider Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy…

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is the leading, most effective evidence-based couple therapy currently available. EFCT is firmly based in attachment science and focuses on the emotional bonds between partners. Attachment theory posits that our emotional experiences are essential to our relationships and a strong emotional connection between partners is essential for a healthy, satisfying relationship.

Goals of EFCT are three-fold:

1. Enhance bonding by strengthening the emotional attachment between partners.

2. Improve communication by learning to effectively express emotions.

3. Resolve underlying emotional issues that contribute to conflicts.

Four core components of EFCT:

1. Identifying unhelpful interaction patterns between partners to improve their understanding of how these negative cycles lead to conflict.

2. Enhancing each partner’s understanding and expression of their own as well as their partner’s deeper emotions and vulnerabilities that contribute to their negative cycle.

3. Reframing the couple’s negative cycle in terms of attachment needs, namely recognizing their conflicts about mundane issues are attempts for support and connection.

4. Building new, more secure bonds by the couple effectively communicating their needs and empathically responding to each other.

The benefits of EFCT include improved communication, enhanced emotional intimacy, increased trust and security, and a more resilient relationship that allows the couple to navigate stressors and conflicts more effectually in the future.

Key questions about EFCT:

1. How does it work?

EFCT is based in attachment science and provides an effective framework for enhancing emotional connection between partners.

2. How long does it take?

EFCT is a structured approach that involves 45-minute weekly sessions for eight to twenty weeks.

3. What will we do in session?

You and your partner will collaborate with your therapist to improve emotional connection by identifying negative interaction patterns, accessing and constructively expressing your emotions and needs to the other, and creating more responsive and supportive interactions within your relationship.

4. What will we do between sessions?

There is no between-session practice or homework with this therapy.

What sets EFCT apart from traditional couple therapy (aside from its greater evidence base)?

EFCT primarily focuses on our emotions and how we manage them within ourselves as well as our relationship. EFCT is not simply learning a set of communication skills or the steps of conflict resolution. EFCT focuses on the heart-of-the-matter, the attachment bonds that are fundamental for a close, fulfilling relationship. The change created in EFCT is a lasting one as it reshapes how each partner relates to the other and rebuilds stronger bonds through emotional connection.

Are You Ready to Begin?

This Valentine’s Day, instead of solely focusing on flowers or chocolates, consider investing in your emotional connection with EFCT. This therapy can assist you and your partner in discovering greater understanding and affection for each other while creating a stronger foundation upon which to grow as a couple. Gift yourselves the opportunity to rebuild or simply strengthen your relationship so that it can be a stable source of love, security, comfort, and joy.

Flowers fade, candles burn down, and Valentine’s Day cards end up tossed in a drawer. The real flex for a couple committed to each other is optimizing their relationship to be the best that it may be. #couplesgoals

If you’d like to get started, call our office at 205-983-4063, email us at info@upwardbehavioralhealth.com, or schedule a free consult call with me, Dr. Megan Keyes, through our website.