The Digital Disconnect: How Technology Creates Distance in Relationships

It’s a warm, summer night in St. Louis, Missouri, and a couple in their 40s are being shown to their table at their favorite downtown restaurant. Heather and Ted have finally successfully carved out an evening to themselves amidst their busy lives. It is their first “date night” in quite some time. The lighting is dim, the votive candle is glowing next to a bud vase of fresh flowers, and their faces are gently illuminated by the soft light of their smartphones. Our best-case scenario: after one final scan of recent calls, voicemails, texts, emails, and social media, the phones will be set aside and not retrieved until the end of the meal. Our worst-case scenario: both phones will remain on the table and be continuously checked as each device dings, vibrates, or sends each person notifications of all that is happening in their lives outside of their very own little table for two. The most likely scenario is that Heather and Ted will fall somewhere along this spectrum as their private time together is interrupted by attending to the digital world at their fingertips.

Sound familiar? We have all been there. And we have all witnessed couples in this precise scenario as well. Modern romance amidst modern life, in which a “table for two” may well include family, friends, co-workers, and several hundred social media followers.

The Prevalence of Technology Presence

Research tells us that U.S. adults check their smartphones approximately two hundred times per day, thus spending almost five hours daily on this device. When considering screentime across various electronic devices, research tells us that the average American adult spends approximately two-and-a-half hours on social media daily. Given the significant amount of time one or both partners may spend engaged with their digital world, it is understandable that our digital life will affect our real-life relationships.

How Does Technology Impact Intimate Relationships?

Technology and social media can impact intimate relationships in a myriad of ways: some good, some bad.

Technology and social media can provide an electronic means of connection that can enhance a couple’s communication, especially when in a long-distance relationship or when partners are apart. Sharing experiences with your partner via social media, video calls, and through messaging can enhance feelings of closeness as well as relationship satisfaction.

However, research indicates that technology and social media can also introduce various challenges into a relationship, resulting in distance and conflict between the two partners.

Common relationship challenges as result of technology and social media include:

1. Miscommunication:

The lack of non-verbal cues such as facial expression and tone of voice can result in misunderstandings and conflict regarding digital communications. Moreover, research tells us that meaningful face-to-face interactions and physical presence, especially when discussing critical issues, fosters empathy and intimacy.

2. Technoference & “Phubbing”:

Yes, we have reached the point that there is now new terminology to apply to the role technology plays in our lives. “Technoference” simply refers to technology’s interference in our daily activities and interactions. “Phubbing” or “phone snubbing” refers to ignoring the real-life person in front of you in favor of your phone. In terms of intimate relationships, technoference and phubbing can significantly compromise quality time together, resulting in feelings of neglect and resentment. Electronic devices and engagement in your digital world can create physical and emotional barriers with your partner that result in a felt sense of disconnection.

3. Comparison & Doubt:

Constant exposure via social media to other couples’ lives and doings inevitably results in some level of comparison with your own. This tendency to compare your couple’s life with others’ can result in unrealistic expectations, feelings of dissatisfaction, and may lead to emotional distance between you and your partner.

4. Jealousy & Insecurity:

The visibility of seeing your partner interact with others online may provoke feelings of jealousy, distrust, and insecurity. Witnessing your partner like, comment, or private message others, including former partners, can result in emotional strain and conflict as well as serve as a corrosive to intimacy.

5. Digital Silent Treatment:

While technology has become of source of conflict for many couples, it has also changed the way many couples conflict. This electronic means of connection that can enhance communication also provides us with another means of intentionally ignoring or not engaging with our partner by not responding to calls, emails, texts, or social media messaging. Digital silent treatment, just like real-life silent treatment, can prolong conflict and enhance emotional distance between partners.

How To Limit Technology’s Negative Impact on Your Intimate Relationship

As outlined above, technology and social media can facilitate misunderstandings, distractions, doubt, and jealousy, which can contribute to increased conflict and emotional distance between intimate partners. Fortunately, research provides us with practical suggestions for managing technology and social media usage within our relationship to decrease the negative impact of our digital world on our real-life world.

1. Establish tech-free zones:

Determine together specific intervals or locations within the home in which electronic devices are not allowed such as during meals, while watching a movie or show together, or in the bedroom during your nightly wind-down routine before going to sleep.

2. Limit digital intrusions:

Minimize interruptions when you are together by turning off non-essential alerts on your phone or setting the “Do Not Disturb” mode on your device. Research indicates the reducing interruptions can decrease conflict about technology.

3. Clearly communicate about digital use:

Engage in frank discussions about each partner’s level of comfort with various online interactions and mutually agree to what is acceptable within your relationship. This issue may need to be revisited on occasion to prevent misunderstandings.

4. Remember that social media is NOT Reality:

Rarely do we see a friend post of photo of each partner sitting on opposite sides of the room, refusing to speak or make eye contact following an argument. And rarely do we share such posts ourselves. How often do we need to remind ourselves that social media posts are typically highly curated and often reflect idealized moments between partners? Often. We need to remind ourselves of this very often.

5. Prioritize Quality Time & Connection:

Devote designated time together without the disruption of either partner’s digital world. Consider it a “digital detox date,” which may range from running errands together, streaming a new series, or going out to dinner. Be as present as possible by fully focusing on the conversation or the activity you are engaged in together. Research tells us that spending undistracted quality time with your partner enhances relationship satisfaction.

6. Consider Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT):

If the distance and conflict created by technology and social media within your relationship has reached a tipping point, I would strongly encourage you to consider Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. EFCT is the leading, evidence-based therapy for couples currently available. EFCT provides a framework for addressing relationship distress caused by technology and social media, and helps couples navigate the complexities introduced by digital interactions, promoting healthier, more secure relationships.

If you’d like to get started, call our office (205-983-4063), email us at info@upwardbehavioralhealth.com, or schedule a free consult call with me, Dr. Megan Keyes, through our website.